My wife and I have been married for almost 3 and a half years. Recently, she had to find a new job and was forced out of a career she loves, working with horses. The job she has now is an office job. About a month ago, she went out with friends after work for the 4th of July and I was not invited. She came home late, drunk, and without her wedding ring on. This really upset me and when she fell asleep I decided to check her phone. When I went to check it, she had changed her passcode and I could not get in. I had never had any reason to check her phone and I had known her code in the past and this had not been an issue, so naturally I was beginning to wonder what was going on even more. Well I was still able to figure out how to check her messages and realized she was texting a male co-worker that she had not ever mentioned to me except in that he was her manager. Most of the texts were harmless, but they were beginning to be more frequent and asking how her horse shows went and what she was up to on the weekends. She did have a text asking if he "would like to do something after work besides sleep. lol that sounded dirty, you know what I mean". This upset me more, but I only confronted her about the rings the next morning. She said she had taken them off to clean her horse and forgotten to put them on the night before going out and I believed her.
Even though I believed her, I was still concerned with what was going on with the texting and she had begun to be more secretive and protective of her phone. When asked about the new code, said she had to change her voicemail code at work and wanted to make it the same on her phone so she would remember. However, she never would tell me the new code. I found out I could check messages even if deleted by backing her phone up, so I lied to her and told her we needed to back up her phone so she doesn't lose everything (like she did a couple months earlier when her phone broke). I was able to do this and check text messages that she was deleting. Her co-worker began texting even more and began to have some flirtatious texts such as telling her her butt is golden and asking her how her night out is going at 1 in the morning. I confronted her finally about the texts and she at first was apologetic and admitted that they were wrong. She said they would not happen again.
From here, she quickly turned the thing around on me and got upset that I lied to her and had been acting like things were great between us since things had been bad before. She also said she needed to change her code again, and she did. Well not needing to know her code, I checked her messages again and found that she was still texting this guy and deleting most of their conversation. I confronted her again about this almost a week later, and she blew up on me saying she changed the code to test me, and began questioning how I saw her deleted messages. I confessed to being able to read them from backing up her phone. This angered her even more.
Most of the texts are meaningless, as in what are you doing this weekend, how was your night out, things like that, but there were a few flirtatious ones. As far as I know, they have only hung out a few times outside of work and never alone, but she has hid that from me. I only know this because of her texts. I feel horrible for having to snoop like I did, but felt she was leading me down that path. I feel like she won't take blame for anything that has happened or how this went down. We had already discussed going to counseling and have our 1st session scheduled before I confronted her with all this. She says she will still go, but we have barely talked in the last couple of days. She says I am fake and that she can't trust me with the lies I have given her.
My first big question is, am I completely wrong for doing what I did? Should I have just trusted her that nothing was happening? Secondly, it just doesn't seem that she is really fighting to make things right accept for agreeing to go to therapy? Are we ultimately heading towards a divorce? I love her with all my heart and do not want this to happen. I have been trying my best to make this work. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.
One last bit of info, we have had no intimacy going on almost 3 months now too...
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